Wednesday, September 5, 2012

The Douchbag

After going blog-dark for a little over a year now, I have been feeling eager to write again, and a few stories that need archiving (for entertainment in my old age) have recently transpired.  This one developed during today's carpool to high school.  The setting:  My car.  The characters:  One junior, a boy; four freshpeople, all girls; the driver, me. 

In the murmur of the sleepy teen conversation, I heard J use the word "douchbag." 

Me:  J, did you just say douchbag?
J:  Sorry, Mrs. P.
Me:  You can use the word if first you can tell me it's real meaning.
A, boldly:  It's what you use to clean your vagina.
S:  Well, you don't use the bag to clean your vagina.  
A:  No, the bag contains the stuff you use. 
Me:  Excellent.  You may now use the word freely.  

F, the boy junior, did not say a word.  

So then I asked what a douchbag is in the street sense.  These are what I gathered are some of a douchbag's characteristics--all news to me: 
  • They are lax bros--guys who play lacrosse.
  • They wear tall/long dark socks. 
  • Their shirts are either polos or sleeveless pinnies.  
  • They wear either salmon-colored cotton shorts (like khakis) or long, brightly colored sport shorts.  I wondered why salmon. 
  • They have nice hair they toss around.  This is called "flow." 
  • They often wear their "snapbacks" on the front of their heads.  A snapback is the sizing mechanism on certain caps. 
  • Douchbags are attractive.  If you are not attractive, you are not a douchbag. 
J was the most passionate about the distinctions of a douchbag.  F, the boy junior, helped me understand what a snapback is.  

Me:  F, I'm surprised you subscribe to this douchbagging. 
F:  I'm not really that committed to it.  

I dropped them off and school and thanked them for such an enlightening morning.  Then I pointed to a guy wearing salmon shorts, and they all gave me a thumbs up.  

Note to readers:  I do not plan to share this blog (or any) with my daughter, as I would like to continue to document such mornings, and I don't want her to shut down for fear that I will write about her on the internet.  So no snitching!  

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