Super Moms Rule(d Out)

A couple weeks ago, a USA Weekend insert in our paper featured a cover story titled "6 Super Moms Share Their Top Tips." Out of curiosity, I looked at the article. I wanted to see how to be a Super Mom, of course. Plus, that mom on the cover with her daughter looked really happy...



Here's what I learned:

• Super Moms do yoga with their kids before breakfast.
• Super Moms do lunges and crunches while holding their babies.
• Super Moms shop at J. Crew or Ann Taylor instead of spending on designer fashions.
• Super Moms use moisturizers that come with UV protection and a touch of color.
• Super Moms stick with classics like black trousers and a crisp white shirt -- and customize with jewelry.
• Super Moms feed their 2 year olds ethnic food.
• Super Moms add rosemary and Parmesan to their popcorn.
• Super Moms take their play groups to retirement homes around the holidays.
• Super Moms review the expiration dates on their first aid supplies.
• Super Moms don't give up on challenges.

As I said above, this article ran a couple weeks ago, and I still can't stop being annoyed by it.

First, what's with the label Super Mom? Are there also Garden-Variety or Lesser Moms?

Second, these are lamest and most superficial set of Mom tips I've ever seen. Where's the tip about how to best clean up cat vomit? Or how to get your kids to remember their coats? Or how to make a wholesome dinner from pepperoni, carrots, and yogurt?

Third, these tips cannot possibly bring true happiness, success, or superness. I'd bet my next paycheck that I'm just as super wearing unaccessorized sweats and eating plain popcorn.

Backing up a little, I'm sure the editorial content of USA Weekend isn't of critical standards, so I shouldn't have expected much. But I didn't expect to get so fully bonked on the head with a big rubber mallet of vacuous blabber.

Oh, Mr. Media. When will you stop trying to make us all feel so incomplete and ordinary?

I can't get this song out of my head:

"Little Boxes" (by Malvina Reynolds)

Little boxes on the hillside, little boxes made of ticky tacky
Little boxes on the hillside, little boxes all the same.
There's a green one and a pink one and a blue one and a yellow one
And they're all made out of ticky tacky and they all look just the same.

And the people in the houses all went to the university
Where they were put in boxes and they came out all the same,
And there's doctors and there's lawyers, and business executives
And they're all made out of ticky tacky and they all look just the same.

And they all play on the golf course and drink their martinis dry,
And they all have pretty children and the children go to school
And the children go to summer camp and then to the university
Where they are put in boxes and they come out all the same.

And the boys go into business and marry and raise a family
In boxes made of ticky tacky and they all look just the same.